kadyellebee

My dad picked me up for work since Lisa was sick. So we had the 20 minute ride to just be alone and quiet. I told him I wanted to talk about my job, and he said okay. I told him that I’m getting worse, healthwise, and I didn’t feel like I was able to do as good of a job as I wanted to be. Basically, its a loose-loose situation for both parties because I am getting worse by working, and my work is suffering and causing problems for them. My attendance is getting bad - I’ve missed at least 2 afternoons in the last month already, and I took off a week w/o pay in the middle of that. I told him that I didn’t know what the best solution was going to be, but I knew I couldn’t continue on like this much longer. I suggested that my job be phased out and that I continued to do a small amount of the bookkeeping from home (via PCAnywhere). He didn’t say too much, and didn’t act too surprised. When he finally commented on the whole thing, he said he was more worried about my health than anything, and that he was worried that it didn’t seem like things were getting any better. I explained what the doctor had said about how it couldn’t all be because of stress because I would have had reduced symptoms when I reduced my work hours. So we talked about that for a while.

I didn’t talk specifics and timelines with him at that point because we got to the post office and he got out to get the mail. BUT, he’s aware of the situation now, and that makes me feel better.

Mom took me to lunch at McDonalds, and I told her that I’d talked to dad. She seemed even less surprised, and I would guess that the two of them had probably been talking about this as being a posibility. Maybe one of the girls forwarned them, I don’t know, but that made it easier for me. We talked about me continuing to do some of the bookkeeping, and how that would be the easiest stuff for me to keep doing - like transactions for statements and itemizing credit card bills and that kinda stuff - things that requires a bit of accounting knowledge. She already knows more about the health aspects than dad did, and so she already knew things were getting bad. We talked about me being on call for computer emergencies, and I agreed that this would be a do-able thing. I told her that I really didn’t want this to impact her, with her going back to school and stuff, but I know it will. I feel bad about that. That’s probably what I feel worse about. I did tell her that I hoped to be phased out of my job by the end of the summer. So that was a bit more specific.

When I talked to E about it last night, he said that because I wasn’t very specific on a timeline, that meant I could completely dictact it myself. I would guess that the best plan would be to finish up July on a full time basis, and then cut down my hours through August to maybe 2 afternoons a week, and then by September, I’ll be completely done, and only working from home as needed.

Then E’s mom called last night, and was telling E about a wedding she went to and wanted to talk to me. And she wanted an update on how I’m doing. I feel like I’m such a downer. When I talk about it here, I feel good for releasing my feelings, but there’s not much I can say positive about my health right now. And so I left the conversation feeling like she was feeling so sorry for me. Besides that, I’m still having a hard time choosing my words, and so I feel all flustery after being on the phone with anyone.

So overall, the only people I feel comfortable talking about this to is E and my online friends. Because I know that I am loved and accepted for who I am. And my friends online don’t know me as a different person than someone who is dealing with an illness - my family knows how I was, and how efficient of a worker I was, and how talented I was at keeping an office running, and how I’ve always been active in my family activites; And they don’t see why it should be any different now. I try to put on a happy face when I’m at work and with them, and deal with things the best I can. But when I’m at home, I relax and then pay for that activity dearly with my body aching and my head pounding.

I need to type up some of the important parts of the papers I read from CFIDS here because there were some really interesting pieces to the puzzle that is going on in my head.

And if you made it through this whole post, you are amazing. Thank you for your support