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I’m having a really hard time finding motivation lately. Its actually beyond that. There’s a certain set of tasks that have needed to be done, and I seem to have pushed them to the back of my brain, almost incapcitated to complete them.

These tasks all require some sort of physical contact and unclear results. And they come to me while I’m laying in bed trying to sleep. And because I’m so tired, I try to push them out of my brain. "Just go to sleep, Kristine. Think about it later." But when I wake up, they are gone, pushed to the deep of my brain, and not something I really remember that needs to be done. I’m forcing myself to get out of bed right now to write this instead of getting the sleep I despritely need, because I can’t put them off forever.

I believe that its a psychological result of what’s going on in my brain. I’ve got so many health issues to stress about that I can’t take in all of the external stressors that I normally would need to be dealing with. The valid response if I can’t deal with them is to give the tasks to Eric. But I can’t even seem to vocalizes the tasks to give him.

What are these elusive tasks?

make a doctors appointment. (fill out online form) figure out how to get the list of doctors to my doctor (ask on online form). call for the sleep consult and make sure they don’t automatically try to schedule the sleep study again (called and had them be rude because it was 5 minutes before I was supposed to call - call back.). figure out what’s going on with my lerners account - call the customer service number on my desk at work. bring the newest copy of our lease to the office. write back the person wanting the design quote that I’m not sure how to give. call the office and find out when our carpet cleaning will take place and be firm about when it can’t happen - Monday @ 11.

Each thing requires a whole set of steps, something I don’t have the energy to follow through on. And when I do them all, I may be so worn out that I can’t do anything else. If I break them down, maybe it won’t be so hard. If I actually force myself to do one, maybe the incentive to do the next will work. The communication skills and ability to actually pull the correct words out of my brain are eluding me as well. My fingers typing is actually getting harder even to create sentances.

I’m really having a hard time with this. God, give me the strength and gift of your words as I attempt to do the things I know are important. Grant me peace no matter the outcome and the frustration during the tasks.

Please, I don’t need condemnation on this post. I already realize that seeing a psychiatrist might be helpful. I just needed to vocalize this for ME.


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