a bit down
I laid in bed and cried last night. Not the violent sobby kind of cry, just tears streaming down my face. Once I finally let my brain stop doing active things (playing atomica keeps the brain busy enough to not think), I went back to the talk with my dad in my head. It’s so hard to be excited about leaving when I know it could destroy what my dad has worked for so many years for. I don’t know that things will fall apart instantaeously, but without some of the pieces to the puzzle that I do, things are gonna go backwards for sure.
I feel so overwhelmingly sad. Yes, I’m still taking my pills, but my tears still come now as I type. Its just SO much to deal with, and I know that it will be equally hard through the rest of january and february.
I feel so worried that my parents seem oblivious to my health issues. How can they not worry about me when its obvious I’ve gained a lot of weight? How can they not worry about me that when they ask how my weekend went, I say "I slept and took naps, that’s all." Don’t they think something is wrong with that? :sigh:
I just went to try and take a nap, but my brain won’t let me rest. If I’m not worrying about something, my dreams keep coming back to me. They are stupid, but seem so real that I almost expect that some of the things have really happened. Its' so frustrating, I just want to feel rested when I wake up... but instead, I just am more stressed. My head is so full.
So I got up and trimmed my hair. In my dream, I actually cut it quite a bit. I think I cut maybe 2 or 3 inches of the ends in reality. I like my long hair, but sometimes, I wish I had something more fun. I still think I’d like to get it colored and maybe put some real red stripes in it 
I’m not sure what all I’m gonna do today. I should install all of my new software and play with my CD burner. I need to 
take the ornaments off the tree. There’s a big load of dishes to put in the dishwasher. So many household chores that need to be done, its so much to think about. I think I’ll sit here and play for a little while. I need to write Rina about a brainstorm from one of my dreams about her domain. I need to write Megan because she wrote me a worried letter.
What a scattery post. I feel scattery, though, so I guess you get what you see.
Comments
Want to hear something harsh? No person is irreplaceable. That’s not a statement against you personally... it is just a statement of fact. The president of the United States is replaceable, and so are you.
You will leave, and your dad will hire someone to take your place. Or other people like Leonard or Annette or your mom will have to adapt and learn new jobs. As soon as you realize that you cannot single-handedly "destroy what my dad has worked for so many years for", you will be able to see the logic of your decision—even if your parents are being too selfish to see it themselves.
.::stepping down off my soapbox and hopes no one hurls eggs at me::.
Posted by: Dara | January 23, 2002 11:07 AM
Oh, sweetie. {{HUGS}} There are bad things that can come of you leaving work, you’re right. But there are also good things! You’ll be happier and more restful, Leonard might take even more responsibility, your parents might come to respect and appreciate all you’ve done for the last several years, and everyone might learn that they can do what they hadn’t thought they could. How could those be bad things? Try and focus on those for a little while. I don’t blame you for worrying, but there’s a bigger picture you can focus on. : )
Meanwhile, my dear, I’d love to hear any Krissy-brainstorms. : ) And if you come on later, we can talk about Trading Spaces. I think today’s ep was Saturday’s, and if it is, the ending will be quite eventful. *giggle*
Posted by: Rina | January 23, 2002 01:26 PM
On your comment about the real red stripes, I did that this summer and I loved it. I’ve let it slide, cause it’s hard to keep up with, but while I had them I enjoyed them. And I’m not one to do daring things or anything, but it made me feel better cause I felt like I was in a rut. Some people will compliment it, and some people will ask why you did that. And not in a nice way, but pay no attention to them should you decide to do it. Ok, that’s my "go for the really red stripes" opinion for today. ^_^
Posted by: Mel | January 23, 2002 01:28 PM
Dara.... in most cases, you are right. I am replaceable, I know that. But I’ve watched our business go from 10 employees into 7 employees over the last 6 months, and we only hired one new person in that span of time and did nothing about the other 3 who left. I don’t see my parents trying to hire anyone to replace me. If nobody does some of the jobs that I’ve been doing, they won’t have the products purchased to make the dog collars, they won’t have a working computer system, and nobody will pay the bills. Yes, people will step in for some of my jobs, but they have already been stepping in for the other 3 employees who are gone, and my mom and Leonard and Annette are already almost at their limit of jobs they can do. Sad but true. So thank you for your words... I know you are trying to give me a logical reason to feel better.
Rina-doll, I will definitely have to turn on trading spaces if its Satruday because Annette was just amazed by it! I slept through the Makeover Story, but I’ll definitely be awake for 4PM
And Mel - thanks for the comments on the stripes. I swear, one of these days I’m gonna do it!!!
Posted by: kristine | January 23, 2002 02:12 PM
The more I think about what I said to Dara, the more I realize that it still isn’t my fault if my parents choose not to replace me. They will have to make that decision, and I can’t force them to do it at a time that I can help train. They are basically shooting themself in the foot if they don’t replace me, and I *can't* hold myself responsible for that. I gave them loads of notice, and offered to help train. I can only do so much.
Its still hard, but maybe if I can keep listening to my friends, I’ll be happier
Posted by: kristine | January 23, 2002 03:36 PM