body changes
My body feels lush and goddesslike, with curves and cleavage I never imagined having. I know that my healthiness is shining through in my skin, as well as my skimle. Eating extra carrots instead of M&Ms and pretzels instead of cookies gives me a whole new realm to be proud of like I have never had before.
But the weight just keeps on coming. No matter how nice it is to be healthy and actually filling out my bras, its not fun to feel so heavy and have to watch where I sit for fear of not getting back up or take extra care to make sure my shirt is pulled to the ideal spot to hid the rolls. It hurts to wear jeans, with large cutting indentations into my tummy. It pains me to glance in them irror after putting on my fav shirts and realize they show the gain too obviously. I see my round face turning rounder, and makeup just doesn’t hide that.
While I would gladly accept a slight loss, exercising is too exhaustive. It takes the little bit of energy I have and wrings me out like a sweaty t-shirt. I have simply never eaten more balanced than now, so a food change seems unnecessary.
I can’t deny it any longer. I am a fat girl. But I can’t seem to resign to the fact that its all my doing. Seems like there must be another answer. And I’m gonna search for it till I discover something.
Written while on vacation and typed at home
Comments
I’m sorry Kristine, that you feel so bad about yourself, and that it’s too difficult to exercise. Perhaps you have a hypo-thyroid disorder, I know my mom suffered from that for a few years and it’s corrected by medication. I think all they need to do to find out is test your blood and check for TSG? I think it’s called TSG, anyway. You could give it a shot.
Posted by: Candi | December 28, 2001 12:30 PM
kristine,
how eloquently you describe such a struggle. you put into words what i cannot. like myself, it appears as though you appreciate your body, yet can’t help but resent it.
each day i repeat the age old mantra; "it’s inside that counts." (even if i don’t believe it all of the time, heh)
anyhow, i was just struck by your words.
*hugs* from one rubenseque sister to another ;)
Posted by: meegan | December 28, 2001 02:00 PM