We are currently in the Esther Short Park, downtown Vancouver. We decided it would be a nice day to just come with our lawn chairs and books and knitting to hang out. There's live african music right now. I've been working on my crochet motifs and E is reading his giant Neal Stephenson book. There is a nice breeze and plenty of people to watch. We've been trying to decide what to do for the Fourth, since our normal plans aren't happening. Trying to think of some non-conventional options even. It's sad that the first year we don't have plans is the first year Vancouver had to stop it's big fireworks show. E loves setting off fireworks so that's usually part of the plan but maybe not this year. It has me deep in thought (again) about being the only family members without kids or furry children. The other kids all have that, and it has a way of 'making' their plans for them. Holidays just certainly have a way of separating us from the crowd some. Anyhow... Finishing the post, several days later: we had a delightful time in the park and two of my friends joined us for a while to knit and chat and it really was great. Then E and I went to see Transformers and out to Thai afterwards. A really wonderful day with no worries.

I finally am acknowledging something that's been in the back of my mind for a while: I've been mourning the life I had hoped to have. It's easy to compare myself to those around me who I see as "successful".  Things like a traditional job, having babies, being a good housewife.  And I'm not fitting into the plans I had for my life.

I feel like I've failed in my health. How can having serious chronic illnesses be a failure? CFIDS and Fibromyalgia, along with dealing with health/weight issues takes up a LOT of my time and energy.  This has made a serious impact on my plans for life.  Watching an episode of House (Season 2's Acceptance) reminded me of the 5 Stages of Grief.  I think that I've been between Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance multiple times over the last few years.

Another thing which triggered me to think was a new episode of What Not to Wear (Amanda)  She had a business which didn't make it, and she was hiding in big because she felt like she failed.  The whole episode was really a transformation of her attitude to be positive and sexy again.  I can see that some of the things I've done lately have been done in an effort to recapture the SPARK in my life.

What do I take from this?  It's actually quite encouraging to me to write this down.  I am happy and hopeful.  So what's next?  Stay tuned: I know I will do things I love.