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deep dad thoughts

Lately, I’ve been missing my dad. He’s been so busy, and even though I tried to call him last week while he was on his home run (ie, in the office), I never caught him. I haven’t seen/talked to him for weeks. And I used to be the only person that he for sure talked to every day when he was on the road. So its quite hard to go from that frequency to this.

I know in my heart that he’s just been busy, but deep down, I wonder if there’s a reason he hasn’t tried to call me lately. He used to take time to call me from the road, and just chat and see how I was doing. And I know that to a certain extent, I have shut everyone out by telling them how much I sleep, and they don’t want to wake me up.

But what if his reasons for not trying to call me are because he’s ashamed that I am not able to do things like a "normal" daughter. He used to be so proud of me, his brains in the office, his daughter who had finished college and still came back to work with him every day. I could see where he would thing I *failed* because I didn’t stick it out at work, like maybe I’m just doing the hiding thing because I don’t want to work there. Its probably gotten back to him from mom that I’m really enjoying my design work, and I can see how that would make him feel bad, that I’m able to do things but not his things.

And I know he wants me to get healthy and turn back into the Kristine he knows and loves. What if that doesn’t happen though? What if this illness is a long-term thing? What if I don’t get to give him the grandchildren he’s wanted. What if I "just" do design work instead of using my degree to do something for his business?

My dreams have been reflecting these theories, of course. Even though the Ambien makes me sleep better, I still remember the dreams as I’m waking up, and lately, he’s been ashamed of me in all the dreams.

If I had just not come home and worked for him, he may not have had these expectations. I have a feeling that deep inside, he will always feel bad with me having a job that’s not for his business. Maybe because he likes working with me and maybe because the business is having such low times that he thinks I could really help it. And it has - the income for this year is way low, and I don’t know how they are going to make it through the winter. Which gives me another worry in that "what if my leaving put the burden on the other people so much that they are now not as productive, and so then I’m causing the income to be down?"

I know, all of this is quite crazy. My dad loves me. And when I see him this week for Thanksgiving, I will stop worrying. But for now, I needed to let these thoughts out.


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*hug* Thinking of you.

A zen hug for you.

It’s always hard, trying to deal with what others want of us, or what we think they want of us.

I live in the same quandary about my father, who has two other children with my stepmother and he is very proud of them, but I do not feel like he is of me. I have no "title" in this world where we are judged by the answer to the question "What does your daughter do?"

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