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loud music solves things?

After some days, you just need some loud music to make them better. I’m spending my time before E gets here listening to loud music. My eye is twitching... I think its nerves from being here.

How did it get this bad that a 5 day weekend isn’t even enough to steel me against the insults and hard things that come with my job? I just feel exhausted after this day. My legs are bouncing fast and my eye is doing odd twitchies at me.

I really came to work with a positive attitude. I worked on this really hard over the weekend, deciding on some projects that I wanted to get working on my hardest. I thought of some things that were very important for me to do before the end of the year, and wanted to just focus on those things. But there are just too many day-to-day things to do. I can’t do everything, and I can’t make believe that I can.

Dad talked with Leonard this weekend, and has all the confidence in the world that he’s gonna be trying hard to work with me and Annette. But why does he come in and make me feel this big? He asks questions in such a derogatory way, and had the gall to be mad when Annette went back to check the stock on something. I just know I can’t work with him.

This is ridiculous. I spent the weekend trying to decide when the change would need to be made. Can I hold on as long as I was hoping to? Oh yeah, I talked to my sister about my situation over the holiday....

I explained to her all of the elements in my life that were so improved since I’ve been taking paxil in August. It really is an amazing list. But I can’t seem to make everything fit in, and my work situation just isn’t getting better, and I can’t keep doing it. Much of this was in a journal entry a few weeks ago, and I wrote it all out so I could bring it with me and talk to her about it, because I really wanted her opinion above all others (E had already given me his thoughts for months) because she has inside feelings on it.

We talked about options, the things that would be detrimental to the business if I left, the things that I am the only person who knows how to do, the things that I’d need to teach my mom to do, and the thing that I worried the most about: how it will affect my dad. I worry so much about his depression. He loves working with me - he calls me at home some wednesdays just because he misses talking to me. I’m so afraid that he’ll be crushed. Look, I just got tears in my eyes typing that. I’m not so worried about my mom. I know she won’t speak to me for a long time after I make this decision. I know she’ll be way standoffish for even longer. She’s gonna look at this like me deserting them. Maybe I am.

Megan shared with me some things that Leonard had said. He told her that if I wasn’t happy here, why didn’t I just leave? He told her that he was afraid to leave because he knew there were jobs that he was the only person who could do them. Basically, we both have some of the same thoughts, but we have such opposing views on everything we do that its insane. But Megan’s point that really made me think was - "if Leonard leaves, your life would be easier. But what would he do? You have skills and can get a job. But what what he do? You both are valuable, but can’t work together very easily" Makes sense. I know I can get another job, and would love a job I loved.

I talked to Meg about a timetable. Because I just can’t be here much longer. But I decided that I simply can’t ruin Christmas for my family by telling them beforehand. So I have to make it all the time from now to after Christmas. And then I can tell the secret that’s eating at my heart. After that, we’ll see if dad wants me to continue on to train my mom (I have a strong feeling that Annette will leave when I leave). I’m guessing a month, maybe part of that at 1/2time, should get the key things taught. So at the most, I’ll be here 2 months from now.

I made the decision. E’s proud of me for finally making it. I’m proud of myself, but ashamed at the same time. I hate carrying this around for a whole month.

Its a big weight off my mind to type all of this, at least. It took me until yesterday to tell E what I had talked to Megan about on Tuesday. So this is part of the reason I have been more quiet lately, just trying to process it all.

Dear God, its me, Kristine - please send me your strength to help me make it. please show me your love and surround those I love with your understanding as I go through this.

Any thoughts or hugs or prayers that you want to send my way, I would really appreciate it. Thank you for reading this far even!


I’m so proud of you, my sweet Lady K. I think that you’ve made the decision that is best for you, even though it was a hard one. You are such a strong person, and this is going to make you so much happier in the long run. {{{HUGS}}}

{{{{{kristine-y}}}}} i can only imagine how difficult this decision was for you, but i am SO proud of you! my husband knows your pain - he used to work in his family’s business (emu farming, of all things), and he had to quit too, for many of the same reasons that you are. please feel free to e-mail me if you want his e-mail address and/or his AIM screenname... he’d be happy to chat with you smile

I agree with Rina, my sweet Kristine-y. You weren’t put in a nice situation, but I’m proud of you for doing everything you could to try and make things better, and when the time came, and you knew what you had to do, you are doing it. And that is a big hard thing. I love you so much and I’ll be praying so much that you and your family make it through things. ((((hugs))))

Kristine, i’m so proud that you were able to make this decision. it’s so difficult to make decisions which you know have the potential to hurt the ones you love. all the love in the world to you girl. (((((((hugs)))))))

I can’t even comprehend how difficult this decision was to come to, but I really pray you find a sense of relief and peace over it soon. Hang in there!

I agree w/everyone... you weren’t put in the best situation and you are doing what is best for you. You need to be happy and you deserve it. Moving forward is good... life is too short to be unhappy.

Do you always over analyze everything? Sounds to me like you need to get away from your family a little bit and this is the first step. But stop letting it run your life. You made your decision now move on. You are way too into yourself and honestly here in your journal you come off a bit like a selfish whiny child who can’t seem to see how her family is ruining her life. You have your own family now so start making the most of it! And cheer up a bit huh?

Firstly, thank you to each of you who left me their wonderful hugs and thoughts. You are true friends, and I love you for that.

Secondly, V, yes, I do overanalyze everything. But why would you bother spending 9 minutes on my site viewing 5 pages and then go to the trouble of anonymizing yourself to post a note like this that would hurt me? Why would a total stranger go to this amount of trouble? Or why would a friend say things like this without leaving their name? If you didn’t want to hear about the situation, I left most of the post in the extended entry section so people who weren’t interested could just ignore it. But my true friends have been following this situation, some of them for years. And I knew they would want to know about this. Yes, I am whiney when it comes to this. I know that - it comes along with working so closely with people who make me whiney. And my overanalyzing is a personality trait that people who do not have, don’t understand.
If you don’t want to hear, don’t bother visiting. It would not only apparently make you happier, but it would make my life easier without stressing about people like you. Fuck off.

heehee. i hate that V is a stupid idiot who leaves you nasty posts, but it’s a cheap thrill for me when you curse Kristine-y smile

oh yes, and V, Fuck Off!!!

Hi Kristine! First of big {{hugs}} and second of all I have been waiting for you make this decision. I remember discussing a bit of this with you in the chats at SI and knowing you weren’t ready to make the cut yet. You have to live for you chickie, hard decisions and all. And your father will understand and your mother will have to grow up. Don’t let her actions hurt you, you know what is right for you and I’m proud of you for doing so.

Take care of you!

PS (I don’t leave my emails on blogs, too easy for spiders to pick them up).

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