The life that was to be

I finally am acknowledging something that’s been in the back of my mind for a while: I’ve been mourning the life I had hoped to have. It’s easy to compare myself to those around me who I see as “successful”.  Things like a traditional job, having babies, being a good housewife.  And I’m not fitting into the plans I had for my life.

I feel like I’ve failed in my health. How can having serious chronic illnesses be a failure? CFIDS and Fibromyalgia, along with dealing with health/weight issues takes up a LOT of my time and energy.  This has made a serious impact on my plans for life.  Watching an episode of House (Season 2’s Acceptance) reminded me of the 5 Stages of Grief.  I think that I’ve been between Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance multiple times over the last few years.

Another thing which triggered me to think was a new episode of What Not to Wear (Amanda)  She had a business which didn’t make it, and she was hiding in big because she felt like she failed.  The whole episode was really a transformation of her attitude to be positive and sexy again.  I can see that some of the things I’ve done lately have been done in an effort to recapture the SPARK in my life.

What do I take from this?  It’s actually quite encouraging to me to write this down.  I am happy and hopeful.  So what’s next?  Stay tuned: I know I will do things I love.