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The journal site for Kristine Beeson of HopelessRomantics. A series of hopes and dreams.

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July 16, 2001 ~:~ 2:45pm

Sometimes, it takes some loud music to give me energy to make it through the day. Here's what the mix I've been playing today:

Nelly Furtado: Turn Out the Lights
Filter: Hey Man, Nice Shot
Stabbing Westward: Shame
Stabbing Westward: Haunting
Stabbing Westward: So Far Away
Fuel: Sunburn
Fuel: Hemmorage
Fuel: Innocent
Eve 6: Here's to the Night
Fatboy Slim: Weapon of Choice
Eve ft. Gwen Stefani: Let Me Blow Ya Mind
No Doubt: Bathwater
It might be helping. Or at least its pissing my mom off :wink: I'm so bad. But when she walks in the room, my side pains start up again. Its miraculous how that works.

- , Kristine

July 16, 2001 ~:~ 6:10am

Contrasting my last post, I did have a few successes this weekend. Measurable things that make me feel like I could be getting better with dealing with my anxiety, depression, and stress.

  • I had a delightful afternoon on Saturday. Wasn't worried about being in public or stressed about anything, I just was out with E.
  • I designed, publicized and coordinated a beautiful links page for the members of the silver ingrid boards. I got some sweet feedback on that, and I'm glad that I'm able to help out in a new project.
  • I baked cookies. That might not seem like much, but I haven't been able to have the energy to start on any cooking project for so many weeks/months(?). E was ecstatic.... I don't know if it was just the luxury of fresh baked things, or if he could tell that was a positive sign in my recovery.
  • Two naps. Two hours each.
So I can't say that the entire weekend was a failure. It wasn't at all. I just feel like there are so many other areas that I want to dedicate my time to, and I'm not able to. I take on too much, I know. Maybe today will be a good day.

- , Kristine

July 16, 2001 ~:~ 4:45am

Somedays, I feel like a failure in so many parts of my life. When I fail to accomplish the things that I know I need to do, my brain reels and yells at me. Why do I procrastinate some of these things that cause me to feel bad? Work makes me feel overall like a failure. I'll never make it through the piles there, and even if I did, there would be more the next day. I worked so hard on friday, and ended up feeling worse about myself than I had before because my mom felt like letting out her frustrations on me for some unknown reason... which made me overreact in front of dad, and when he asked what was wrong, I wouldn't tell him. Why not? I have no idea.

I feel like a failure in many of my online activities. Sure, I uploaded two new sets each of the last two weeks, but I didn't get anything productive done this weekend. I couldn't concentrate on it. I didn't get anything taken care of for my server this weekend, nor did I return emails or write new emails to the new people on blogplates like I wanted to.

I even fail at sleeping - I woke up so many times last night, and then between 3:45 and 4:17, I woke up every single minute and looked at the clock. I finally got up, but now I'm sitting here yawning so much, totally sleepy.

What kind of a way is this to start off my week? ::sigh::

- , Kristine

Microwave popcorn. 13 cups of goodness per bag.
Stabbing Westwards' Haunting song. Its stuck in my head since E played it on our drive home
Tara Music. Gives me peace among the storm.
Painting. I could do this all day.
Animal Cookies. Quick, catch the one that escaped from the bag!

FavoriteReads SilverIngrid

Health Notes ~:~
last week: 145 | 144 | 143 | 143 | 141
072301: 8hrs sleep; mostly good | 145
072401: 8hrs sleep; dr appt.; happy | 145
072501: 7.75hrs sleep; mostly good; afternoon stressed | 144
072601: 7.5hrs sleep; morning stressed, sleepy | 142
072701: 8.25hrs sleep; morning hurried, stressed some, talked to dad | 143
073101: 7.5hrs sleep |144
080101: 9hrs sleep | 142
080201: 8.5hrs sleep; stressed @work | 144
080301: 7.5hrs sleep; stressed @work | 145

062901 | 070701 | 071401 | 072101

This page is a Love-Production, 2001.