June 19, 2001 ~:~ 2:24PM
A breakthrough on the dream front. I had another dream last night about being back at High School. In my dreams, I'm always so confused as to why I am back there, and why the teachers are making me go to classes again. Lately, my dreams have been that Megan and Lisa pick me up and bring me back to CAA with them. I wander through the halls, try and figure out why I'm there, until a teacher says "Why aren't you in class?" So I go and sit down, and am still confused - WHY AM I STILL HERE? I see specific teachers, and Mr. Lee usually talks to me. I tend to run into my siblings in the latest dreams, and they don't seem to think its weird that I'm back there. I rarely ever see my classmates, mostly faceless people or friends of my sisters. Sometimes, I do see classmates, but they are just making fun of me that I'm still in school. I was hurt by most of the people that I see at one point or another during school, and so its not odd to me that they are making me feel like a little bug. So I'm confused and sad. I usually remember in my dream that when I graduated, I wasn't paid up enough to actually get a diploma, so they were going to send it to me. They never did. For some technicality, they decide I must go back to HS, even though I did graduate and obviously went on to college.
But I think that the real analysis that I realized this morning lies in my reaccuring thought: Why am I still here? I think that this is very closely related to my thoughts on my job. Why am I still here? Not only am I not happy, I'm not sure why I'm still doing it... and this was a job while I was a girl; now I'm a woman and shouldn't be this sad in a place where I don't want to be.
And it doesn't help that I feel crushed this morning. Mom wanted to whine about a few certain things that I'm not doing. I don't know how I can do anymore. There are a few places I could cut time, but in order to keep my sanity, I really can't do much more. Dad wants me to do an impossible task with our numbers... its a huge amount of work; first I'd have to figure out why Peachtree doesn't automatically figure this number for me. Then I'd need to figure out how I could even do it in excel. Then I'd have to actually do it; and from this vantage point, it looks like about a 4hour a day job. Dad neglects to tell me things, and then assumes I can read his mind, so I screwed up on something Friday. He wanted one person to have a different pay setup then everyone else. I spent quite a long time figuring out how to do it, and then after I figured it out, and did it, he told me (this morning) that he decided to do it differently and already had told Leonard that. Not me. He thought he had. *sigh* And they owe me a tremendous amount of money - at last figure, its 40% of a years salary for me. At the rate they are paying it back, they'll owe me even more every year I'm here. *sigh* I've been trying to defend that I can't do every single detail that is required of my job. Moreless adding on additional jobs. Or worrying about people entering things incorrectly because I haven't trained them enough.
So that's the question: Why am I still here?
Here's the simple truth - I feel obligated to help my family. They might not make it without me. Guilt might be too much if I left and things didn't succeed. And plus, its a job I am comfortable with. I am stressed all of the time, but this atmosphere is way more laid back than any other job I could ever have. I know the info here better than I know anything else.
I've contemplated sticking with this job until I'm pregnant. I'm thinking of that within the next 2-3ish years. Then I could stop my job and stay home. But that seems like such a long time to stay in a place where I'm not happy. I can't quit right now; E's out of work, and our savings won't keep us going forever. So I have to stay at least for the next 3-6 mos. My goal is to be able to stay at home and design; but I know that freelance graphics/webpage design isn't always profitable, and I don't necessarily have the "promote-myself" attitude that I need to have in this area yet. I could move on to another job, but that scares me so much.
See the dilemna?
- ©, Kristine
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