The journal site for Kristine Beeson of HopelessRomantics. A series of hopes and dreams.
is now back up. This journal will be used as an alternative, but if you'd like to read my daily thoughts, visit hopelessromantics. Thanks for your patience!
November 1, 2001 ~:~ 1:39am|
I figured out what was bothering me on tuesday.
My dad made me feel like he was more ashamed of me because I don't drive than he is of Leonard who does drugs. He relates to Leonard, he drove early, he did drugs, but he can't relate to me all of the way because I don't. Leonard walks all over my parents, stomps his way through life. I went the high road - finished HS, paid for my own college, got married - but in the end, I'm still working for my family and I don't drive.
This bothers me. I mean, I want to drive. I just have this fear that's taking me a really long time to get over. And like Annette pointed out - its much harder to do something when the time isn't right - its like going back to college at 40 and taking classes with 18 year olds... a 40year old is definitely gonna have external responsiblities that the 18 year olds wouldn't have. When I was 17, I had the time to learn, I took the class... but had no one to drive with me that summer. So if I had gotten my license then, it would have been much easier.
why does this one thing hang me up?
It also has been bothering me a lot lately that it doesn't seem to appear to be phasing my parents at all that I'm having to take drugs to make it through the workdays. NOTHING has changed since I started taking them - I mean, they are letting me take a day off a week, but nothing consequential to help solve the problems that are making me so stressed. Do they realize that I'm dealing with major side effects just to try and keep myself sane? I've gained weight, I've got nervous tremors going on (right now, the monitor is bouncing as I type), and NO sex drive.
Are they willing to make me insane just so they can have me here working? Do they care?
It doesn't help that I've dreamt that they've talked to E about putting me in a mental hospital. The dream seemed so real, as have many of my dreams lately. I know that I'm not anywhere near that far gone, but it is freaky.
:grrrrr: I wish I had happy things to say, but that's why I posted here instead of on the main page, I s'pose. I'll just try and stay positive for as much as I can.
- ©, Kristine
[427 comments] [#]
Microwave popcorn. 13 cups of goodness per bag.
Stabbing Westwards' Haunting song. Its stuck in my head since E played it on our drive home
Tara Music. Gives me peace among the storm.
Painting. I could do this all day.
Animal Cookies. Quick, catch the one that escaped from the bag!
Health Notes ~:~|
last week: 145 | 144 | 143 | 143 | 141
072301: 8hrs sleep; mostly good | 145
072401: 8hrs sleep; dr appt.; happy | 145
072501: 7.75hrs sleep; mostly good; afternoon stressed | 144
072601: 7.5hrs sleep; morning stressed, sleepy | 142
072701: 8.25hrs sleep; morning hurried, stressed some, talked to dad | 143
073101: 7.5hrs sleep |144
080101: 9hrs sleep | 142
080201: 8.5hrs sleep; stressed @work | 144
080301: 7.5hrs sleep; stressed @work | 145
062901 | 070701 | 071401 | 072101